How Do You Honor Parents Who Hurt You? A Biblical Perspective on Childhood Abuse, Neglect, and Abandonment.
by Stephanie Boarman, MS
As a Christian counselor who works with adults healing from childhood trauma, one of the most difficult and common questions I encounter is this:
"How am I supposed to honor my father and mother when they abused me, neglected me, abandoned me, or continue to harm me?"
We are referring to, of course, the 5th commandment in the bible, “Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.” — Exodus 20:12 (NASB 2020)
Many people search for exceptions to this command (myself included). Surely God did not mean these parents? Surely, God did not mean the father who abandoned our family? God didn’t mean my mother who manipulated, controlled and used me? He can’t mean the parent who inflicted emotional, physical, or sexual abuse on me?
This tension often leaves trauma survivors feeling trapped between two perceived painful options: either dishonor their parents by acknowledging the truth, or dishonor themselves by minimizing the harm they experienced. This tension also calls into question God’s character and love for us, leaving us in a whirlwind of confusion and emotion. In those moments it’s very hard to hold onto the truth - God is goodness, therefore all his precepts are for my ultimate good.
It seems impossible, yet Scripture provides no loopholes. And believe me friends, I’ve gone looking! I’ve researched articles, the internet, every version of the Bible, consulted Pastors, consulted Greek & Hebrew translations, read commentary bibles, etc, etc. The bottom line: God says what he means, and means what he says - AND - scripture is amazingly complex and layered. It's on us to understand and derive wisdom from His Word. If you are a Christian, then you know this life is not about comfort. But thankfully we have the Holy Spirit to guide us, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." - Romans 8:26 (NIV)
“Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.” - Exodus 20:12 (NASB 2020)
God does not qualify this command by saying, “Honor your parents if they were loving,” or “Honor your parents if they earned it.” At the same time, honoring a parent does not require us to deny reality, excuse harmful behavior, enable sin, or place ourselves in unsafe situations. Scripture holds parents accountable for how they treat their children, just as children are instructed to honor their parents. Ephesians 6:1–4, for example, places the command to honor parents alongside an instruction to fathers not to provoke their children and to raise them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Scripture also gives wisdom for responding to wrongdoing. In Matthew 18:15–17, Jesus describes a process of addressing sin directly, involving additional witnesses when necessary, and involving community when the person refuses to listen. While this passage addresses relationships within the community of believers rather than specifically addressing parental abuse, its principles demonstrate that biblical honor does not require silence in the face of wrongdoing.
In situations involving abuse or ongoing harm, honoring a parent and establishing appropriate boundaries are not necessarily contradictory. A person can acknowledge the significance of the parent-child relationship while also telling the truth about what happened, refusing to participate in sinful behavior, seeking protection from harm, and establishing boundaries that promote safety and health.
Is honor the same as approval?
One of the most important truths for survivors to understand is that honor and approval are not the same thing. In the context of the 5th commandment, honoring a parent does not mean:
- Pretending the abuse never happened.
- Calling evil good.
- Allowing continued mistreatment.
- Maintaining unlimited access to your life.
- Ignoring appropriate boundaries.
- Reconciliation at any cost.
God is a God of truth. Throughout Scripture, He never asks His people to rewrite history or deny wrongdoing. In fact, healing requires bringing darkness into the light. You can acknowledge that a parent wounded you deeply while still choosing a posture of honor.
What Does Honor Actually Mean?
The biblical concept of honor carries the idea of assigning “heaviness” or “weight" to something. In the case of parents, honor recognizes the position God gave them in your life, whether they chose to steward that well or not. This means we can honor the role without excusing the behavior. It’s “both/and” not “either/or”. In Hebrew “honor” means “to be weighty” or “heaviness”. When clients are struggling with how to honor a parent that abused or neglected them I remind them that struggle itself can be an act of honor. For example:
- "My father sinned against me, and I will work toward forgiveness."
- "My mother neglected me, and I refuse to let bitterness become my identity."
- "My parents failed in many ways, and I acknowledge that God used imperfect people to bring me into this world."
Honor does not erase accountability. It simply refuses to answer sin with more sin.
What are practical ways to honor parents who hurt me without putting myself in harm's way?
Tell the Truth
Many survivors mistakenly believe honor requires silence & compliance. It does not. Honor and Honesty can exist together. Honoring God means walking in truth. Honoring an abusive parent begins by understanding the word “Honor” in the Hebrew context. Honor literally means "to make heavy," “weighty,” or "important.” Many clients will miss that, from a psychological perspective, the very act of meditating on the difficulty of this process is literally engaging in the act of “honoring” the complicated reality of these people as your parents. The mere act of pausing to “Shema” (listen to God’s command whether or not you agree) is engaging in a “heavy, important, weighty” action. So congrats, if you’re struggling with this, you have begun the act of “Honoring” - not only your parents but God as well.
Honoring is not enabling sin. It is not silence about abuse. And it is not sacrificing the truth in order to maintain a false appearance of family peace. Truth-telling is often the beginning of healing. You can accurately describe what happened without exaggeration, hatred, malice, or vengeance. The Lord draws near to the broken-hearted - and vengeance is His.
Establish Healthy Boundaries
Honor does not equal access. Boundaries are not dishonor. Boundaries are biblical and Godly. The first boundary we see in scripture is in the Garden, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” - Genesis 2:16-17 (NIV). This has all the elements of a clear boundary. There is a line in the sand with a resulting consequence if it is crossed. Our goal is not blind loyalty to broken people; it is faithful loyalty and obedience to what God calls good.
In many cases, boundaries are the most loving response possible because they acknowledge reality and create opportunities for responsibility, accountability, and repentance. Sometimes the most honoring thing a survivor can do is say, “What happened was wrong, and I will not allow it to continue.” Boundaries can be an act of stewardship before God. Boundaries stop you from doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. This forces them to step up and practice their own personal stewardship. Jesus Himself set boundaries and challenged others to do the same.
Release the Desire for Revenge
Abuse, pain, neglect, abandonment, trauma…they all create a natural longing for justice. God never asks us to pretend injustice does not matter. Instead, He invites us to trust Him with justice. Romans 12 reminds us that vengeance belongs to the Lord. The desire for revenge binds us to envy. It can keep us psychologically and emotionally connected to the abuse. If they never apologize, we remain angry. If they prosper, we feel cheated. If they appear happy, we feel resentful. If they are never held accountable, we feel that justice has been denied. The desire for justice is not wrong, but there is a difference between justice and personal vengeance. Surrendering what is God’s to God sounds something like this:
“I care deeply about what happened. I believe it mattered. I can pursue appropriate justice and maintain appropriate boundaries. But I am no longer going to make my freedom dependent upon what happens to you.”
Honor means releasing the role of judge and allowing God to occupy His rightful place.
Pray for Them
Praying for a parent does not mean excusing their behavior. It means acknowledging that they too are broken people in need of God's intervention. Prayer shifts our focus from control to surrender.
This may be one of the most difficult acts of obedience. How do I pray for someone who hurt me? Yet, it is clearly and simply stated here: “Luke 6:28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who are abusive to you.” It’s on us to remember that we are now a part of Jesus’ “upside down kingdom”. That includes praying for others, just as Jesus prayed for those who crucified Him. “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do”. Being a Christian means living out a Christian life and trusting Jesus’ promise that there will be fruit. Even if your prayer sounds something like this, “Father I don’t want to pray for them, I’m struggling with unfairness. Please help me trust your wisdom and goodness, please help me in my struggle.”
How Can You Honor Your Parents Without Repeating the Harm They Caused?
Refuse to Replicate the Harm
One of the greatest ways to honor God is by breaking destructive patterns of generational sin. Refuse to choose the path of least resistance and greatest harm. Don’t choose to drag the chains of generational sin with you, instead step into the light and freedom of letting them go. Don’t get me wrong, I know this isn’t an easy step, but we are given a choice to accept Jesus’ commands in their entirety and trust that the true path of healing lives in that trust - or to hold onto the chains we know. When you choose healing, learn healthy relationships, parent differently, pursue counseling, and walk with Christ, you are refusing to pass on what was handed to you. You do not have to drag the chains of generational sin, if you don’t want to. Jesus freed us from the sins of the father.
This is not only an act of honor toward your family story and future generations—it is an act of obedience toward God.
Practice Forgiveness Wisely
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust. It does not remove consequences. You know you’ve found forgiveness when you stop expecting action from God with respect to the offense or offender. Instead, forgiveness is a process of releasing your “right” to collect the debt from the person who hurt you and entrusting justice to God.
For all of us, trauma survivor or not, this journey takes time and repeated practice. Jesus said “7 times 70” for a reason.
Ultimately, the Fifth Commandment Is About Honoring God
At its deepest level, the Fifth Commandment is not merely about parents. It is about God.
The command invites us to trust God's loving authority even when human authority has failed us. When parents reflect God's character, honoring them may feel natural. When parents betray God's design, honoring them becomes an act of worship because it’s what God calls good. The question becomes less about whether our parents deserve honor and more about whether we can trust God is goodness and He wouldn’t ask us to do anything that did not reflect that goodness.
For many survivors of childhood caregiver trauma, honoring a parent may look very different than it does for someone who grew up in a healthy home. It may involve grief, boundaries, lament, forgiveness, and ongoing healing.
But the invitation remains the same: to honor God by responding to brokenness by not continuing the brokenness, in a way that reflects His truth, justice, mercy, and love. And often, that journey begins not with excusing the past, but courageously facing it in the presence of Christ.
Stephanie Boarman, MS
Resident in Counseling
BibleProject. (n.d.). BibleProject. https://bibleproject.com/
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2017). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life (Updated & expanded ed.). Zondervan.