Narrative therapy is an approach developed by Michael White and David Epston in the 1980s. The idea is that we make sense of our lives through stories. We are constantly interpreting what happens to us, what it means about us, and what it says about our future.
But sometimes those stories become problematic — especially when they are not rooted in truth.
Think about the narratives you carry about yourself.
“I’m too much.”
“I’m not enough.”
“I always mess things up.”
“I’m not a good leader.”
“I’m bad at relationships.”
“I’ll never change.”
Now think about how often we repeat those false narratives out loud. Sometimes we do it casually. Sometimes we do it as a joke. Sometimes we do it because we think it makes us humble or self-aware.
But the stories we tell ourselves matter.
They impact how we feel, how our bodies respond, how we relate to others, and what we decide is important. Over time, those narratives can become the lens through which we see ourselves and the world around us.
Research on narrative identity suggests that people who are able to find meaning, growth, or redemption in painful experiences tend to report higher well-being. On the other hand, people who tend to turn positive experiences into negative ones — what researchers call “contamination stories” — often report lower well-being (McAdams et al., 2001).
That may sound like common sense, but it does not always feel obvious when we are living inside the same story we have been telling ourselves for decades.
Maybe we have told the story so many times that other people have started telling it too.
Now we hear our negative beliefs about ourselves repeated back to us by friends, family, coworkers, or even our children. Not necessarily because they meant harm, but because we set the stage.
We handed them the script.
And now they are reading from it.
Stop it.
Stop spreading lies about yourself.
McAdams and McLean (2013) also found that people who construct life stories with themes of agency, exploration, meaning, and growth tend to experience higher levels of mental health, well-being, and maturity.
Let’s unpack that.
Agency means you are not just a passive character in your story. You are not powerless. You are not simply waiting for life to happen to you. You have choices. You have influence. You have the ability to respond, repair, grow, and move forward.
Exploration means you are willing to keep learning. You are willing to ask, “Is this story actually true?” You are willing to consider that maybe the version of yourself you have been repeating is incomplete.
I have been thinking about this in my own life.
I am someone who is painfully aware of my shortcomings, weaknesses, failures, and limitations. I am usually pretty quick to throw myself under the bus. For years, I have said things like, “I am a trained clinician, not a trained CEO,” or “I probably shouldn’t be the CEO.”
There may have been some truth in that. I did not go to school for business. I did not start with formal CEO training. I have had to learn a lot the hard way.
But that is not the whole story.
The fuller story is this: I have successfully operated a group practice for more than 14 years. I have had help, yes. I have made mistakes, absolutely. But I also have vision. I have courage. I have determination. I have drive. I have motivation. I have built something meaningful.
So why would I keep leading with the weakest version of the story?
When we lead with lies, people are likely to adopt them.
When we constantly tell people we are incompetent, incapable, too much, not enough, disorganized, difficult, broken, or doomed to fail, we should not be surprised when others begin to see us through that lens.
That does not mean we pretend to be perfect. Humility matters. Self-awareness matters. Honesty matters.
But self-deprecation is not the same as humility.
Humility says, “I am still growing.”
Shame says, “I am the problem.”
Humility says, “I need help.”
Shame says, “I should not be here.”
Humility tells the truth.
Shame distorts it.
So maybe the invitation is not to create a fake positive story. Maybe the invitation is to tell a truer one.
A story that includes your pain, but does not make pain the whole plot.
A story that includes your failures, but does not make failure your identity.
A story that includes your limitations, but also makes room for your courage, resilience, wisdom, and growth.
Pay attention to the story you keep telling about yourself.
Then ask:
Is this true?
Is this the whole truth?
Is this helping me heal?
Is this helping others see me accurately?
And if the answer is no, maybe it is time to revise the narrative.
Because the story you tell about yourself matters.
So stop spreading lies about yourself.
Start telling the truth.
Tina
References
McAdams, D.P., & McLean, K.C. (2013). Narrative Identity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22, 233 – 238.
McAdams, D. P., Reynolds, J., Patten, A. H., Bowman, P. J., & Lewis, M. (2001). When Bad Things Turn Good and Good Things Turn Bad: Sequences of Redemption and Contamination in Life Narrative and their Relation to Psychosocial Adaptation in Midlife Adults and in Students. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(4), 474–485. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167201274008